A New Perspective

Life has been…complicated. In the span of 14 days, I went from going to the doctor for a lump I found on my breast to having a port implanted in my body, and my first chemo appointment the following morning. It. Was. Rough.

With my third chemo appointment looming on the horizon, my anxiety is ramping up. I know what to expect. I pretty much know how my body will react. But still.

To deal with body aches, and to help clear my head, I’ve been trying yoga. And it has given me time to really reflect. When I do this, I always come to the same conclusion – -I am thankful. It was hard to get to this point; the road was bumpy and at times seemed impassable, but I’ve made it through the anger and most of my fears. Want to know why? Because cancer has given me a new perspective.

Prior to this, I was researching kindergartens, worrying about commute times and stressing myself out over things that just didn’t matter. I was lucky to get 20 minutes of peaceful time during my day.

I don’t let the little things bother me anymore. I can’t. Every cell in my body is focused on the positive – getting healthy, seeing Sawyer grow and growing old with the man of my dreams.

This wouldn’t be possible without my support system. My friends and family have gone so far above and beyond for me. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that I am loved by so many. THANK YOU. That seems so inadequate; I can’t find the words to describe the thankfulness in my heart.

So a visit to New Mexico will not be happening this year. It’s not going anywhere (at least that’s what I keep telling myself.) I keep dreaming about being back there. The peacefulness of that place is mesmerizing. At times I think I’m exaggerating the memory of it, then I remember the elks bugling as the sun rose, and me not being able to read more than 5 pages before falling asleep in the hammock.

But the thing I miss the most – and am absolutely unsure of how to replicate – is the smell. It is such a distinctive smell – clean, floral, with a hint of some earthy undertones. I photographed all the different plants on our property in the hopes of figuring out, but no luck. I can’t wait to get back there, even if it’s only my dreams.

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